August 20th

​Was the day I unknowingly put my life in your hands. August 20th marked the day I committed spiritual & emotional suicide. I gave you my time, my thoughts, my heart & my soul. I gave you all my money. I made your every wish come true. I put my entire well being aside, to make you the happiest man on earth. You took my life from me. You took my life & when I had nothing more to give, you threw me away as if I never even mattered to you. You broke my heart. 
Everyday I have to live with that. Everyday I have to live with knowing I’m not worthy of loving someone else. You left me wondering what I did wrong. I wasn’t good enough. Every morning is a daily reminder & every night I dance with the devil trying to sleep. 
For the rest of my life, I have to live with this heartache. This pounding in my chest that I know I don’t deserve. 
You will never understand the emotional damage you left me with. I’ve tried again & again to be with someone else. It never works out, because you fucked me up in the head. I’m constantly accusing them of lying, or cheating. My mind is racing with thoughts of betrayal and anger. I can’t do it. I can’t be with anyone. I’ve lost myself. I’m lost in the world & I don’t think I can find myself again. I’ve been searching for over a year now, and I’m tired. I’m exhausted. 
You were my home. You were my heart. You were my life. 
Now, I’m left alone to wonder what I did so wrong in my life to deserve this punishment. I wonder why you treated me the way you did & why I don’t deserve to be happy. I guess I’m just wondering if you have an answer to that. An honest answer. Because really, I’m ready to call it quits. I’m ready to give up. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t wake up everyday hating myself. Everything keeps going wrong. I feel like I’m nobody. Sometimes I feel like everyone hates me & that people are always staring at me and I just want it to go away. People at work look at me with disgust. Is it because I’m still fat? I need to know what it is because I want it to stop. So much is happening to me and I have nobody to tell about it. My family actually hates me. My brother is smoking meth & attempting suicide and leaving my sister in law. Everytime I hear my mom’s voice I can’t stop screaming because I get so angry & my childhood constantly replays in my head when I see her. How she didn’t love me growing up & how she’s just putting on a show now. My nephews are doing good but I don’t ever see them because everyone thinks I’m a bad person. 
I got into a car accident two weeks ago. I’m not sure if it was an accident at all though really. I’m still trying to figure that one out.
I’m lost kid. The worst part about it all though, is that nobody cares enough to look for me. 
I still have most of our messages & some pictures from the last time we were together. I look at them from time to time. I find myself talking to you in the car. Songs still haunt me. I was actually listening to if you could see me now by the script when I got in that accident. 
I know you don’t care about how I’m doing, but I just wanted to let you know that I’m okay & I’m trying as hard as I can to get by.

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Still hurt, Still breathing.

You have broken me. I admit it. I’m still hurt. I will be forever. You’ll always have a piece of me with you, but I can’t let you hold me down anymore. It’s so hard to move on and see the better things that another man has to offer. It’s time though. I have been scared of falling in love with another soul because of the chaos that you incorporated between the two of us. I’m giving this boy the benefit of the doubt. I have faith he’ll care for me and be loyal. Like you never could.

Flyin High

I have been worn out, and held back long enough. You have exhausted my heart, and mind. I am done trying with you. Going around and around. Constantly recycling and reusing the little bit you have to offer. I can’t do it.
As friends, lovers, or even enemies, you aren’t worth the effort anymore. I don’t know you, and I don’t care to. It has been three years. Three damn years has all led up to this.
A complete and total unimportance at this point. You were a very small chapter in my book, and I am ripping those pages out as we speak.
I no longer care about your existence. I have taken myself back to where I was before you. Happy, and satisfied with life, and myself. I never thought that our story would have ever ended. But, here we are. Two different people, two different lives.
You always had a gravitational pull on me, you kept me so close to the ground. Now that you aren’t around, I’m soaring. So good to fly again. I’m done. The only thing I have to say to you after everything is, I hope someone treats you the way you treated me. With complete and utter disrespect and a falsification of emotions. Karma will take its course, & I’ll have a birds eye view on it all.

The same, still different.

Sitting in front of you, watching you eat your regular turkey american and lettuce sub from subway. Wondering if you can see the light in my eyes. Wondering if this feels right to you. You seem so different now. Like nothing between us ever happened. I look deeper into you, and my heart continues to hurt. So much potential you and I have. Its incredible. I love you so much. Just love me back.

White Rose.

I saw that spark in your eye the very first time I saw you without those sunglasses. That spark lit a fire. A fire that nobody could have put out, except one of us. You smothered it. You so carelessly suffocated it, like it meant nothing to you anymore. Like you lit someone else’s fire.

I dried your tears when they streamed down your cheek. The first ALWAYS fell from your left eye.

There was a point in your life where you felt pain. There was a point when you felt love. When your heart only conituned to beat, for me. What happened?

My heart skipped a beat when I saw you smile. Every. Single. Time.

Remember what I said to you, every time you drove away without me?

I said “Be careful”.

& I always blew you a kiss.

Because: I cared for you.

Remember climbing to the top of the water tower? I don’t know if you felt the way I did, but at that moment, I realized the ground below us never mattered.

I never got off that tower. 
I never mentally came down. With you I felt like the world around me, didn’t matter.

You were the only thing important to me.
Now:
You may think you’re a white rose…
    But, you’ll always have a black shadow.

Know your worth.

I realize that I will never be the person you want me to be. I’ll never be the type who feels like they have to hide their flaws with a mask of makeup. I will never be the type to spend every weekend at a bar. I will never be the type to pass the bowl around. I won’t be who you want.

I’m the guy who has feelings. I’m the guy who has a heart. I was so naive. I blame myself for giving you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the last few years, you only romanticitized. You never truly loved.
I loved you though.

You felt it. I know you did. I know you felt passion. I know you felt the way I loved you. You felt it every single day. I bet you’re missing it now huh? Having something that only I could give you. I was never what you wanted though.

You always had this fairytale boyfriend and relationship embedded in your head. You wanted your queen in shining makeup, when I was your king in shimmering gold. You always wanted this man to tell you EXACTLY what you wanted to hear, rather than the truth. You want this man to smother you in gifts, and take you out every night. Someone old enough to buy you beer, and willing enough to slip you in a bar. I’m sorry I never turned out to be the man you truly wanted. I’m sorry I don’t have a career path picked out. In case you have forgotten, my last 3 years have revolved around trying to make you happy. Trying to be the man you wanted.

I finally found out that it was impossible. You’re impossible to please. Nothing was ever good enough for you. You always wanted more from me, when I was giving you plenty. I’m not too concerned though, your temporary queen will soon find out, you’re full of selfishness and greed.

Let him wrap you up in his arms, and watch mine finally unfold for someone new, and worthy. Watch as I receive the love I deserve. Wait until you see me smile, like I never have before. I can’t believe I spent all that time truly thinking you were the man I would marry.

And after all the times you had said it to me, “lets get married!”. Was it a show? Were you trying to impress me? Words mean so much to me, and when you told me that you wanted to be with me for the rest of your life, I take that shit seriously. For you to walk out the door, and have some gender confused bitch take my place, that puts a serious toll on my heart.

I’ll keep my distance.

I know my worth.

Become someone better.

No matter how much I have put you through, you deserved it. I hate that you fucked this up. Everything about you and I had the potential to be something insane. You had the power to make me feel like I was the only person that ever mattered. I fought with you, I cussed at you, I screamed at you. All because you were the one thing I was most passionate about. I tried so hard to forgive you for the things you done to me. I let your actions cut me down, and I suppressed them into the back of my mind. I gave up friends for you. I deliberately gave up the people who cared for me, for someone who didn’t care at all. I kept coming back to you so I didn’t have to live with the fact that I threw something like that away. You and I, we always felt so right. We fit snug, like the last piece to a puzzle. Everytime you assured me that everything was okay, and that you weren’t hiding anything, made me realize, if it were truly meant to be, I wouldn’t have felt that you were hiding something. I wouldn’t know what doubt felt like. It got to the point where even the most sincere things you said to me, felt like a lie. That made me question myself. I’m strong, I always have been. Someone strong should never question themselves. Was I not good enough? Was I doing something wrong? Does he not find me attractive? Did he fall out of love? What did I do? I was always questioning myself. You made your way inside of my head, and you made me feel vulnerable. You took advantage of my weaknesses and boasted my ego, exactly when I needed it. You made me emotionally dependant upon you, and you done it intentionally. Knowing whatever you had done wrong, whatever you had done to betray me, would be forgiven because I needed you. It scared me. To think I truly needed someone, just to stay in the right state of mind. I hate that you couldn’t ever see us, from my point of view. You don’t know what I sacrificed to take chance after chance. You have no idea what you have put me through. If you could have simply stopped pointing fingers, and accept that you made a few damn mistakes too, then I feel like everything would have been okay. I remember pulling into Huddle House months after we got together, and you crying. Because you finally told me what you had done. You felt so guilty because you knew at the very moment, you were risking everything you every wanted. I’m sorry, but telling me what you done, didn’t ruin us. The actions in the first place did. Our foundation was never built stable, but we always had a way of holding each other up. At least I felt we did. I still, to this very day, have no idea how you felt on a daily basis. You never cared to tell me. You NEVER vocalized your feelings to me. You couldn’t do it, not even to the single person who cared the most for you. You didn’t trust me? You didn’t want to be vulnerable because you knew I could have taken your heart hostage? Zak, you never gave me anything. You didn’t make me feel loved, you made me feel what it’s like to love. I gave you everything, every fiber of my very being. My thoughts were yours, my actions were yours, my feelings were yours, my desires had your name written all over them, and you couldn’t give me anyhing in return. All you wanted was to lay down everynight and have someone cover you with love. You used me, for the part of you thats missing. You took MY heart, because you didn’t have one. I was there for you when NOBODY else was. I was there for you every fucking time I saw pain in your eyes. Zak, I helped you overcome so many things. I was your eyes when you couldn’t see. I was your fingers when you were too afraid to touch. I was your ears when you didn’t want to listen. I was your nose when you couldn’t smell the shit you were talking. I was your tongue when you couldn’t find the words to speak. I was your senses Zak, when you lost yours. Somewhere along the 19 years of your life, you stopped caring for yourself, and I fell for your need to embody someone. I lost my fucking mind when I met you…

 I saw beauty in you, I saw a future when I looked at you for the very first time. I saw love Zak. I felt it. Now look at you. You gravely mistaken me, for yourself. I was never out to hurt you. The last thing I wanted to do was see you in pain. I wanted to love you, because you needed it. You needed someone to care for you, to help you get by. I was the one who motivated you to go to school. I was the one who saved your ass so many times. I was there to chauffeur you around town when you wanted to get drunk because you couldn’t handle your problems. I was there when you wanted someone to sing with. I was there when you didn’t want to drive alone. I was there when you went crazy and got us both arrested. I was there when you talked shit about everyone. I was there when you weren’t strong enough to be alone. I was there when your dad passed away. Zak, I held you when you hurt. I was your warmth when you felt cold. I was your kick start when you couldn’t get your ass in gear. I was your mentor when you needed guidance. I cuddled you, when you felt lonely. I kissed you, when you felt lost. I helped you up when someone pushed you down. I was your therapist when you had problems. I was the person you came to for everything! Everything Zak. It was hard for me, going through it, day in and day out. Knowing loving you was unrequited. I sacrificed my time, to make you feel okay. In hopes one day, you could wake up, come to your own senses and realize that I was the one person you could have been with for a lifetime. It wouldn’t have taken much to keep me. I let you walk all over me. I let you use my heart. All I wanted, was a sign. I wanted you to show me that you had the slightest feelings for me. I needed to see it and to feel it. That was it. You didn’t have to tell me you loved me when you didn’t mean it. All you had to do, was show me you cared in a miniscule amount at the least. I will never apologize for the things I have done. For my actions, for expressing myself. I won’t apologize for making you hate my singing. I won’t ever apologize for pushing you over the edge sometimes. I won’t apologize for ever hurting your feelings. I know I have been cruel to you, I know that I have pissed you off to no end. I only did it, so I could feel something. I needed something from you. I felt nothing, ever. You were always just an object. You expressed nothing. You couldn’t show me you were mad. You couldn’t cry. You couldn’t ever genuinely smile after kissing me. You couldn’t lay next to me with care and concern in your heart for how I felt. Your feelings never once escaped your mouth. Instead, you were just there. You were like a robot who was “decent” at faking life. I wish you the very best. I hope that one day, you find out how to express yourself. How to truly love youself Zak. Because you don’t. If you did you wouldn’t look for constant approval from everyone around you. You wouldn’t constantly needed watered with compliments that you know are meaningless. So many temporary people in your life, and you can’t see it. I had true, and real intentions on spending all the years we had left on earth, together. I wanted that more than anything. I always have. You couldn’t put your pride aside and face your feelings. You couldn’t ever show a single sign of weakness. Instead, just a wall. A fucking brick wall. That Zak, is no way to continue living. Learn who you are, express who you are. Don’t EVER apologize for shit. Take responsibility. You aren’t living life to pay bills. So stop. Find your niche. Find your talents Zak. Find out who you are. Spend some time with yourself for once. Be sad. Cry sometimes okay? Be pissed off. Throw something. Punch something. STOP HOLDING BACK!!! Just take off that bullshit shell of yours, because truth is, I know exactly who you are. Hate it or love it, you know it’s true. You couldn’t see that I was PERFECT for you, but you were far from perfect for me. One day, you’ll find out, that you gave up the VERY BEST thing you ever had boy. I hope you find yourself in the twisted ass fairytale you’re living. Good luck, and goodbye.